Hurting for what's it Worth

Seeing them happy, dancing in the air, taking life on cheerfully hurts me. Not because I can't be happier for them, but because I can't feel sorrier for myself. What am I doing? My emotional highs, my emotional lows, my seriousness, my challenges, my goals? Do they feel these too? And at such quickly changing pace as I do? How do they keep life so simple and why do I make mine so complicated? It isn't really worth it, is it? Then what is?

My Damage being your Baggage

I cannot any more laugh it off or leave it to when things unfold or struggle to come up for air which won't always be within my reach,or smile for what I am blessed with. I am ungrateful for life's bruises and the tiny bursts of happiness that come with the package. They don't go through my thin, absorbing skin because my body rejects any sort of wisdom. It rejects thoughts... Because thoughts will cause me to conclude eventually that my damage cannot be your baggage. I will have to give you up. Or I will have to give myself up. I will lose my conscience, my thoughts, my wisdom and my blessings either way. Or have I already?

The Length of Stay

Lets analyse. Look between the hour glass. Lets question. Not because I am strong enough to question the toughest no-entry zones of my life's choices. But because I am being forced to make rash decisions for a while. My unconscious mind has been relentlessly knocking me over to gather the courage to question and accept the responses as they are. And I have neither. No courage and no responses. What I have is a heart, with a history of broken and dragged around, that initially was so broken, the truth didn't hurt.

From nowhere came a phoenix who healed it with its tears and made it so safe and comfortable, that coming out of that comfort zone to question the length of stay of this phoenix becomes dreadful. So dreadful that the  next thirty years of my life become dependent on this very choice. What happens if the phoenix leaves? What if I have to make the choice to go back to a broken heart? This phoenix who heals, is it any good if it doesn't stay? Did fate command it to be here upon me?

Won't the phoenix only leave if fate commands? Should I be scared every night for the day that happens? What if it decides against fate and flies away soaring in the empty skies, where its actual home lies. When I can't control what will happen tomorrow (or today) how can I be at peace? Or in the least, hopeful that what ever happens will be in my best interest? Do I want what is best for me? Or do I just want to be dull and lifeless... miserable but not without the taste of those tears?

Do I get to choose my choices? How long will I hold onto my own instincts... into blind faith? Isn't all faith blind once you believe? Do I believe I will last all this? Will I get what I desire or will I get what I deserve?How does one make that leap of faith and believe they got what they deserved in the end? What if I'm throwing away what I desire and what I deserve and don't even know they are contained in the phoenix? It really is dreadful as questioning is not difficult or tough or painful or hurting or numbing. Its the layers of answer that risk the death of my choices, the death of my foundation, the death of my only desire... the death of all things, my heart thrown in the equation.

My Ten Year Old Dream

This time ten years ago, I thought I'd have my whole life together. I could imagine myself on top of my career ladder, married, kids, a crazy family always on a roll enjoying our summers in Morocco or Turkey. Holding up juice with one hand and a book in another lying on the beach breathing in the salty but fresh beach air. Carelessly lying on white linen sheets cuddling with my family and my only worry being what are we having for dinner. 

Coming back. I Still don't have that life. The mess is bigger and the burden of getting it right is near impossible to achieve by now. So I look around and see similar people. How long before we have it all together then? The truth of life is you never have it all together at 24 or any other age. 

The more time you spend organizing your clutter the more frustrated you will become. So should you leave your clutter unattended? Sometimes. Other times, work only on those aspects which are very likely going to keep you happy, once cleared. And by happy I don’t mean dance-like-no-one’s-watching-party-all-night-long ‘happy’. I mean sit in solitude, drown in to doing something and it may slowly dawn-on-you ‘happy’.  Happiness may come, it may not. That’s life. The rest is an escape.

Marriage and Its Works...

I wonder how much easier it used to be to have faith, back in my parent’s day… when a naïve girl in her teenage, cocooned from life’s matters, would be married to a stranger ten years older. This was the first and the only man in her life. She would look up at him with devotion and make-believe her heart that this is love. And he would manage somehow to be just that.

Passion or Obsession

I might be tired of writing the whole day but to release the stress I have to organize my thoughts by writing again… even if my hand aches, and even if my system is on snooze, because it drains my emotions on paper and it heals me mentally. It pacifies my encaged soul… and puts my mind to finally rest just before I slowly realize what my only passion is-Writing.

Guilt-free Comfort

If you don't have to crawl through the desert on your knees, repenting,
then what do you have to do?
Dance with your arms flung wide,
Kiss mystery on the mouth,

Eat shawrma for breakfast and salad for dessert?
Take what hunts you at 3am
Out for a convertible ride,
Discover its treasures as the road unwinds?

Exchange your destiny,
For one that looks better on you,
Then fling the other one overboard too?
Or perhaps, there is nothing you have to do.

Perhaps the "have to's" have flown away
And the nest is empty,
and waiting for you to 'be there'
Nothing more

It's true isn't it. when you are thinking about your loved ones, they are too.

one of the strengths of love was proven to me once when my mom's friend (who had taken care of me when i was a child) was appearing and re-appearing in my dreams, being thousands of miles away... when i was not in touch or had no idea how she was.
she would appear frustrated or angry at something, but quiet. every time i dreamt i would see her at some point or the other. when my mom decided i lost my nuts, i thought i should make a fool of myself, complete out and open and confess this to her son on the internet.

he took me seriously fortunately and decided to speak to her about it, if nothing else. it later turned out that there were problems... and they were confused too as to why i would be so concerned.

love cannot be found only in blood. it is the heart and soul that leads us to people who love us, even if we are indifferent to them. even if we decide not to love them, over and over. love takes us there because true happiness and strength in love is only found by surrendering. by being vulnerable to your loved ones. nothing can put you to peace without love.

Clean up

It didn't take me more than a day to understand that my problems are like math. They all have a solution. Only I need to relax and get to the root of it from all kinds of branches. These problems are harmless obstacles that can be overcome.
I mean, what about people who have been diagnosed with cancer but don’t have the resources to end it? What about people who cannot be blessed with children? Or worse, people who are under painful suffering, in shreds and pieces, still fighting for life in Palestine… what about several millions of people like that? Many of them didn't deserve to be where they are… But have then given up? They're still fighting for life. They're fighting, not for a healthy, wealthy or happy life. They're fighting for just life. Life, which in all, is everything.
Why can we not learn from their struggles? When did we start talking more about humanity and becoming less of humane... Breathe any air... drink any water... sleep anywhere- nothing's dirty.. it's our hearts that've become dirty. Find your clutter and work on it.

Today's Intention: Making peace for myself: it's my choice.

When you enter a place filled with tension, or are in need
of some calm loving energy in a hurry, imagine the color
pink, the color of unconditional love. Take a few deep
breaths and imagine your heart filling up with the color
pink. When a feeling of tranquility permeates your chest,
imagine that the color flows out from your heart and fills
the entire room. Feel a sense of peace saturate you and
those around you.

There's a thousand reasons

We all question, but in different ways, for example, people question your play with words, :), people question their God or whoever it is they believe in all the time, people question a million and one things....

My only concern... the questioning is negative, only when you are depressed, confused, unhappy - and so you achieve nothing out of it.

Amusingly, everyone needs something to believe in for their survival yet if they question, if they reason, it shakes their faith ... so we get used to sitting in our comfort zones and saying things happen for a reason... There is no reason if you can't identify it. :)

There is no blind faith without miracles and miracles are God's way of saying question it ... your life, your success, your dreams, your aspirations ... everything is for a reason.

Passion

In the time I took of from my blog, I successfully rooted on little desires that would dawn on my way home in the car or big desires, like- standing up for the right things and following through. Now logic says it starts with little steps. That's what I thought too, until I tried this:

No, not taking pictures silly.

1.) Spend some time along learning to be your own best buddy. Imagine the kind of friend(s) you are looking for and -- if you can be this kind of playful -- spend just a little time every day having tea with your imaginary playmates. This will help you to recognize the shape of your own new and powerful personal geometry and solidify it so you're not stuck acting out old pattern in a new situation.

2.) Along with your new (imaginary) friends, explore in safe and quiet ways. What alone things do you find you enjoy? Books, Movies, Art, Favorite TV shows, clothes, drama...independent of other people, what are your passions that you have misplaced or forgotten. In these you may find "everyday archetypes" in characters or actors or heros that already carry the new parts of yourself that you haven't found yet.

3.) When you know your passions and they are enough present in your life they will help you get going -- whatever it is, let it draw you on. If it's animals, you might volunteer and meet other people with the same passion. If it's Jane Austin, then rather than just any book club, looking for buddies, look for Jane Austin fellows. Remember that there are internet groups on ANYTHING.

4.) The funny thing is that when you find your real new "shape" = and can wear it, rain or shine, you'll just discover that you're in the midst of a whole new dynamic group . . . some people find to their astonishment that the new friends are their old friends who were just waiting for someone to lead them to newness.

The desire to embrace

I am all of this

How about you?
I am the itch and the scratch
the ache and the achievement
the choking rage and the "I see your point"

the desire to make a difference and
the desire to put my head under the covers
the love in his eyes and the longing in mine

When did we ever learn that we have to put down what's in one hand to
embrace what's in the other?

Now is the time to hold it all,
hold the fullness and
drop the struggle.

We are all of this. And more.

Only Human

So I question my awareness again. How do we love?... we imperfect, selfish humans. We're so bad with acceptance and forgiveness. We're horrible with asking for acceptance and forgiveness, honestly.
It's not that we don't have time to love. We don't want to love anybody else except ourselves. That, in itself is self destruction.
And it all comes down to 'truth is nothing but what we believe to be'.

Try: (v) to attempt to do or accomplish:

I may be ready to forgive myself for being forgetful. I may be ready to find the sweet spot where ease and self-mercy meet being awake and aware. I'm ready to be less comfortable pushing and trying to make things happen and more comfortable slowing down, checking in with my heart and noticing what feels natural and even (gasp) easy. I'm ready to become more comfortable staying awake to what wants to come into being.
Imagine yourself as the space in which trying or doing or efforting is arising. Imagine yourself as the sky, the breeze, the air, the room, the universe in which trying is like a welcome guest--there is plenty of room for trying in this vast spaciousness. Trying can be welcomed and accepted, not pushed away or judged.

In my Shoes

Ok, first of, many many congratulations for passing these 3 exams with excellent numbers. How did I celebrate? I went fox flying and quad biking! :D It's amazing how I am devastated one day and crazy happy the next. There were so many turned backs; the teacher backing out, mum going paranoid, careless siblings, helpless friends. And lets not forget the more frequent 12 hour power cuts, when I would immediately revert my senses to the candle-book scenario.
Point is, it all didn't matter every time I was determined. Because when we are determined, we're thinking clearly, with mind and heart. We prioritize correctly and know what is relevant and what isn't... We know when the time is right to feel something and when the time is right to let it touch us. I never knew I could filter pain and turn negative into positive in such a smooth stride. So why do we never trust ourselves, our instincts, our own perceptions?
Life is beautiful. It has always been. I just never stopped to notice. And I just started all over again. It's different and fresh. I'm beginning to discover so much about myself and my environment. And it doesn't tire me because I find myself waking up, my heart overflowing with love.
Trust yourself, be generous to yourself, spend a night stargazing and make someone smile. Take my word, you'll love your life, no matter how miserable they try to make it.

Self-Mercy

As I focus the lens of my new life, I'm aware it's time to choose to be more reflective, more empathetic, more strong to support what's emerging.
I could get all twittered-patted and embarrassed by my current habits--checking email instead of doing something productive, welcoming an interruption when I've only been studying for the past 2.99 minutes. It's not like any of these habits are new...

But here is why I'm not going to tie myself into a self-flagellating knot: the knot that self-flagellates is the knot that stays stuck. Guaranteed. Want to create a life that rides up like bad underwear? Then be sure and tell yourself things like, "Why can't you ever stop drinking tea, you lazy loser? Why can't you stop to alter some of the clothes you have been neglecting because they were a bad fit? You'll never change. How about having that cheese spaghetti from last night? That was a really great idea--not."

How about some self-mercy, yo? Without it, it's like being caught in a washing machine made in hell. You beat yourself up for what you are doing--or not doing. This makes you feel abysmal, which makes you want to check out, and that means you keep doing what you're doing and you don't pay attention to what it's costing you--round and round you go. You can also choose to flee into the dirty clothes basket of shadow comforts to try and hide the pain of being harsh toward yourself, which only adds another layer of soul grunge to the whole nasty mess.

Here's an idea: let's just not indulge. What a waste of time and you know, we don't have any to waste. Drop the thought that you should or shouldn't be doing this or that and instead ask yourself:

• Sweetie, honey baby, what one habit would feel really delightful this week?
• What one habit or practice or choice would feel as supportive as a personal chef, assistant, and massage therapist all rolled into one?
• What do I want to do to support myself?

Focus on what feels good. Put your energy toward feeling supported and upheld instead of taking another whiplash turn on the bad child merry-go-round. Make a choice lit up with self-mercy and then see what happens.

May our hearts be touched and transformed as we let life love us

"When we are open and present, our hearts are affected and transformed by our experiences. Indeed, every time we allow ourselves to be truly touched by life, we are changed in profound ways. And ultimately, is not this the aim of all creative self-expression--to touch and transform the human heart?"- The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson

The Magic-Pause Button

Why not resurrect yourself with your breath and
believe in the love that courses through your veins
rather than the tar black voices that mock your efforts?

Why not let the butterflies cocooned in the back of your throat awake
to carry your hopeful voice
like a bell peeling brightly in the warm morning air?

Why not live?

In Spirit and with Courage

I'm coming off a month old study retreat and I'm terrified. I feel like I've forgotten to be kind and I feel like I've forgotten how to create. I did the hard, necessary work of burning away everything that didn't fit me any longer and now I'm fetter less and free- which means I'm fetter less and free. Oh shit!
I know my terror and sense of free floating angst is a natural part of my transition and that nothing is wrong. I know I can start slowly with small blocks of creative play, as little as ten minutes. I know to let myself moodle with paints and words until something small emerges, and to tend that with love and non-judgment... And you know what else I know? I want to be rescued.
I want to have a lightening bolt of assurance land in my head from the clouds... assurance that everything will turn out to be OK. That there is a thing called perfect husband and there is another thing called perfect job and all I would need to do is try hard since the time I wake up every morning and leave it all to Allah just before I fall asleep every night.
It's so easy to overlook great people around you. People who have a mound of problems and people who are desperate, and yet kind. People who create, who inspire; who make you want to love life. I need one of those few people to remind me again. I need to be reassured again.
Only I wouldn't listen. Because when we have vanquished the many demons that stood between us and our renewed life, when we feel almost home free, the mother of all demons pops up: the someone-would-tell-me-what-to-do demon. The just-give-me-direction-and-make-me-safe-demon. The I'll-do-anything-just-so-I-don't-have-to-hang-out-in-the-not-knowing-anymore-demon. If you, like me, would also like to be friends with the last demon try one of these ideas:

• Use any and all means to turn within and listen to your own desires, your own wisdom, your own ideas.
• Pour over your journals and look for clues to what you want.
• Pray for guidance.
• Ask yourself many times a day, "What would I love to do next?" Gently stop yourself every time you go to watch TV, buy a new book, paint, or ask a friend what you should do- even if it's as small as what to wear to class.