The Magic-Pause Button

Why not resurrect yourself with your breath and
believe in the love that courses through your veins
rather than the tar black voices that mock your efforts?

Why not let the butterflies cocooned in the back of your throat awake
to carry your hopeful voice
like a bell peeling brightly in the warm morning air?

Why not live?

In Spirit and with Courage

I'm coming off a month old study retreat and I'm terrified. I feel like I've forgotten to be kind and I feel like I've forgotten how to create. I did the hard, necessary work of burning away everything that didn't fit me any longer and now I'm fetter less and free- which means I'm fetter less and free. Oh shit!
I know my terror and sense of free floating angst is a natural part of my transition and that nothing is wrong. I know I can start slowly with small blocks of creative play, as little as ten minutes. I know to let myself moodle with paints and words until something small emerges, and to tend that with love and non-judgment... And you know what else I know? I want to be rescued.
I want to have a lightening bolt of assurance land in my head from the clouds... assurance that everything will turn out to be OK. That there is a thing called perfect husband and there is another thing called perfect job and all I would need to do is try hard since the time I wake up every morning and leave it all to Allah just before I fall asleep every night.
It's so easy to overlook great people around you. People who have a mound of problems and people who are desperate, and yet kind. People who create, who inspire; who make you want to love life. I need one of those few people to remind me again. I need to be reassured again.
Only I wouldn't listen. Because when we have vanquished the many demons that stood between us and our renewed life, when we feel almost home free, the mother of all demons pops up: the someone-would-tell-me-what-to-do demon. The just-give-me-direction-and-make-me-safe-demon. The I'll-do-anything-just-so-I-don't-have-to-hang-out-in-the-not-knowing-anymore-demon. If you, like me, would also like to be friends with the last demon try one of these ideas:

• Use any and all means to turn within and listen to your own desires, your own wisdom, your own ideas.
• Pour over your journals and look for clues to what you want.
• Pray for guidance.
• Ask yourself many times a day, "What would I love to do next?" Gently stop yourself every time you go to watch TV, buy a new book, paint, or ask a friend what you should do- even if it's as small as what to wear to class.
  

Assignment #23

Recreating a snapshot:

So what makes you happy?

Good weather, good music, a relaxed prayer, honest acknowledgement... for me.

What makes you happy? Waiting for your replies :)

Little desires

I think the greatest thing about me is the fact that despite all the pain that I've had to push myself to go through (since the age of 12), I still go out and involuntarily, love life.
I find myself getting excited about redecorating this vase with dried flowers that I can create by myself! And then using the current dried flowers to make a potpouri. I get excited (and jump all around the kitchen) when I learn one of my neighbour's has spent a fortune on her hair dresser's course because I'd love to learn better ways of grooming myself from her. And I'm actually looking forward to meeting her and talking to her about it. I want to learn how to better style my hair and how I can line my eyes perfectly.
But getting excited isn't what's great. Who knows... the hair dresser could think I'm a weirdo! Being practical is important but having faith is too. It's the consistency with which I follow my little desires that makes me great.
The fulfillment of these desires make up just a small portion of the painting that I am in but what's a painting without colour? These little desires (even when I barely get time out for myself) make me want to discover my surroundings, my life, even myself from a newer angle. And I like to think right now, that following little desires will get me to my biggest dream. Even when I vaguely know what that might be.

Four Great Ways Of Looking

1. Look back and thank Allah
2. Look forward and trust Allah
3. Look around and believe in Allah
4. Look within yourself... and find Allah
   

Deserving

As jobless as I am, I was flipping between channels when I came across a movie, I used to think of as one of those overtly Indian dreamy love stories that only take place on Jupiter.

Tum Bin

I believe the movie did not receive the attention it deserved due to the lead roles being newcomers. But film fanatics think otherwise because Tum Bin was nominated for 6 awards in 2001.
Shekhar, a businessman, accidentally kills his associate Amar, and ridden with guilt, decides to watch over Amar's company and take care of his family and friends. However, he falls in love with Amar's ex fiancée Piya - who is to marry tycoon Abhi Gyan to save the company...

The movie dictates how different phases in a person's life can not only affect them, but the people related to them too. It strongly teaches about how doing the right things work for you. And how the heart and the mind, both should be used in the matters of family and career.

Tag line? Love will find a way