In my Shoes

Ok, first of, many many congratulations for passing these 3 exams with excellent numbers. How did I celebrate? I went fox flying and quad biking! :D It's amazing how I am devastated one day and crazy happy the next. There were so many turned backs; the teacher backing out, mum going paranoid, careless siblings, helpless friends. And lets not forget the more frequent 12 hour power cuts, when I would immediately revert my senses to the candle-book scenario.
Point is, it all didn't matter every time I was determined. Because when we are determined, we're thinking clearly, with mind and heart. We prioritize correctly and know what is relevant and what isn't... We know when the time is right to feel something and when the time is right to let it touch us. I never knew I could filter pain and turn negative into positive in such a smooth stride. So why do we never trust ourselves, our instincts, our own perceptions?
Life is beautiful. It has always been. I just never stopped to notice. And I just started all over again. It's different and fresh. I'm beginning to discover so much about myself and my environment. And it doesn't tire me because I find myself waking up, my heart overflowing with love.
Trust yourself, be generous to yourself, spend a night stargazing and make someone smile. Take my word, you'll love your life, no matter how miserable they try to make it.

Self-Mercy

As I focus the lens of my new life, I'm aware it's time to choose to be more reflective, more empathetic, more strong to support what's emerging.
I could get all twittered-patted and embarrassed by my current habits--checking email instead of doing something productive, welcoming an interruption when I've only been studying for the past 2.99 minutes. It's not like any of these habits are new...

But here is why I'm not going to tie myself into a self-flagellating knot: the knot that self-flagellates is the knot that stays stuck. Guaranteed. Want to create a life that rides up like bad underwear? Then be sure and tell yourself things like, "Why can't you ever stop drinking tea, you lazy loser? Why can't you stop to alter some of the clothes you have been neglecting because they were a bad fit? You'll never change. How about having that cheese spaghetti from last night? That was a really great idea--not."

How about some self-mercy, yo? Without it, it's like being caught in a washing machine made in hell. You beat yourself up for what you are doing--or not doing. This makes you feel abysmal, which makes you want to check out, and that means you keep doing what you're doing and you don't pay attention to what it's costing you--round and round you go. You can also choose to flee into the dirty clothes basket of shadow comforts to try and hide the pain of being harsh toward yourself, which only adds another layer of soul grunge to the whole nasty mess.

Here's an idea: let's just not indulge. What a waste of time and you know, we don't have any to waste. Drop the thought that you should or shouldn't be doing this or that and instead ask yourself:

• Sweetie, honey baby, what one habit would feel really delightful this week?
• What one habit or practice or choice would feel as supportive as a personal chef, assistant, and massage therapist all rolled into one?
• What do I want to do to support myself?

Focus on what feels good. Put your energy toward feeling supported and upheld instead of taking another whiplash turn on the bad child merry-go-round. Make a choice lit up with self-mercy and then see what happens.

May our hearts be touched and transformed as we let life love us

"When we are open and present, our hearts are affected and transformed by our experiences. Indeed, every time we allow ourselves to be truly touched by life, we are changed in profound ways. And ultimately, is not this the aim of all creative self-expression--to touch and transform the human heart?"- The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson

The Magic-Pause Button

Why not resurrect yourself with your breath and
believe in the love that courses through your veins
rather than the tar black voices that mock your efforts?

Why not let the butterflies cocooned in the back of your throat awake
to carry your hopeful voice
like a bell peeling brightly in the warm morning air?

Why not live?

In Spirit and with Courage

I'm coming off a month old study retreat and I'm terrified. I feel like I've forgotten to be kind and I feel like I've forgotten how to create. I did the hard, necessary work of burning away everything that didn't fit me any longer and now I'm fetter less and free- which means I'm fetter less and free. Oh shit!
I know my terror and sense of free floating angst is a natural part of my transition and that nothing is wrong. I know I can start slowly with small blocks of creative play, as little as ten minutes. I know to let myself moodle with paints and words until something small emerges, and to tend that with love and non-judgment... And you know what else I know? I want to be rescued.
I want to have a lightening bolt of assurance land in my head from the clouds... assurance that everything will turn out to be OK. That there is a thing called perfect husband and there is another thing called perfect job and all I would need to do is try hard since the time I wake up every morning and leave it all to Allah just before I fall asleep every night.
It's so easy to overlook great people around you. People who have a mound of problems and people who are desperate, and yet kind. People who create, who inspire; who make you want to love life. I need one of those few people to remind me again. I need to be reassured again.
Only I wouldn't listen. Because when we have vanquished the many demons that stood between us and our renewed life, when we feel almost home free, the mother of all demons pops up: the someone-would-tell-me-what-to-do demon. The just-give-me-direction-and-make-me-safe-demon. The I'll-do-anything-just-so-I-don't-have-to-hang-out-in-the-not-knowing-anymore-demon. If you, like me, would also like to be friends with the last demon try one of these ideas:

• Use any and all means to turn within and listen to your own desires, your own wisdom, your own ideas.
• Pour over your journals and look for clues to what you want.
• Pray for guidance.
• Ask yourself many times a day, "What would I love to do next?" Gently stop yourself every time you go to watch TV, buy a new book, paint, or ask a friend what you should do- even if it's as small as what to wear to class.
  

Assignment #23

Recreating a snapshot:

So what makes you happy?

Good weather, good music, a relaxed prayer, honest acknowledgement... for me.

What makes you happy? Waiting for your replies :)