The desire to embrace

I am all of this

How about you?
I am the itch and the scratch
the ache and the achievement
the choking rage and the "I see your point"

the desire to make a difference and
the desire to put my head under the covers
the love in his eyes and the longing in mine

When did we ever learn that we have to put down what's in one hand to
embrace what's in the other?

Now is the time to hold it all,
hold the fullness and
drop the struggle.

We are all of this. And more.

Only Human

So I question my awareness again. How do we love?... we imperfect, selfish humans. We're so bad with acceptance and forgiveness. We're horrible with asking for acceptance and forgiveness, honestly.
It's not that we don't have time to love. We don't want to love anybody else except ourselves. That, in itself is self destruction.
And it all comes down to 'truth is nothing but what we believe to be'.

Try: (v) to attempt to do or accomplish:

I may be ready to forgive myself for being forgetful. I may be ready to find the sweet spot where ease and self-mercy meet being awake and aware. I'm ready to be less comfortable pushing and trying to make things happen and more comfortable slowing down, checking in with my heart and noticing what feels natural and even (gasp) easy. I'm ready to become more comfortable staying awake to what wants to come into being.
Imagine yourself as the space in which trying or doing or efforting is arising. Imagine yourself as the sky, the breeze, the air, the room, the universe in which trying is like a welcome guest--there is plenty of room for trying in this vast spaciousness. Trying can be welcomed and accepted, not pushed away or judged.

In my Shoes

Ok, first of, many many congratulations for passing these 3 exams with excellent numbers. How did I celebrate? I went fox flying and quad biking! :D It's amazing how I am devastated one day and crazy happy the next. There were so many turned backs; the teacher backing out, mum going paranoid, careless siblings, helpless friends. And lets not forget the more frequent 12 hour power cuts, when I would immediately revert my senses to the candle-book scenario.
Point is, it all didn't matter every time I was determined. Because when we are determined, we're thinking clearly, with mind and heart. We prioritize correctly and know what is relevant and what isn't... We know when the time is right to feel something and when the time is right to let it touch us. I never knew I could filter pain and turn negative into positive in such a smooth stride. So why do we never trust ourselves, our instincts, our own perceptions?
Life is beautiful. It has always been. I just never stopped to notice. And I just started all over again. It's different and fresh. I'm beginning to discover so much about myself and my environment. And it doesn't tire me because I find myself waking up, my heart overflowing with love.
Trust yourself, be generous to yourself, spend a night stargazing and make someone smile. Take my word, you'll love your life, no matter how miserable they try to make it.

Self-Mercy

As I focus the lens of my new life, I'm aware it's time to choose to be more reflective, more empathetic, more strong to support what's emerging.
I could get all twittered-patted and embarrassed by my current habits--checking email instead of doing something productive, welcoming an interruption when I've only been studying for the past 2.99 minutes. It's not like any of these habits are new...

But here is why I'm not going to tie myself into a self-flagellating knot: the knot that self-flagellates is the knot that stays stuck. Guaranteed. Want to create a life that rides up like bad underwear? Then be sure and tell yourself things like, "Why can't you ever stop drinking tea, you lazy loser? Why can't you stop to alter some of the clothes you have been neglecting because they were a bad fit? You'll never change. How about having that cheese spaghetti from last night? That was a really great idea--not."

How about some self-mercy, yo? Without it, it's like being caught in a washing machine made in hell. You beat yourself up for what you are doing--or not doing. This makes you feel abysmal, which makes you want to check out, and that means you keep doing what you're doing and you don't pay attention to what it's costing you--round and round you go. You can also choose to flee into the dirty clothes basket of shadow comforts to try and hide the pain of being harsh toward yourself, which only adds another layer of soul grunge to the whole nasty mess.

Here's an idea: let's just not indulge. What a waste of time and you know, we don't have any to waste. Drop the thought that you should or shouldn't be doing this or that and instead ask yourself:

• Sweetie, honey baby, what one habit would feel really delightful this week?
• What one habit or practice or choice would feel as supportive as a personal chef, assistant, and massage therapist all rolled into one?
• What do I want to do to support myself?

Focus on what feels good. Put your energy toward feeling supported and upheld instead of taking another whiplash turn on the bad child merry-go-round. Make a choice lit up with self-mercy and then see what happens.

May our hearts be touched and transformed as we let life love us

"When we are open and present, our hearts are affected and transformed by our experiences. Indeed, every time we allow ourselves to be truly touched by life, we are changed in profound ways. And ultimately, is not this the aim of all creative self-expression--to touch and transform the human heart?"- The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson

The Magic-Pause Button

Why not resurrect yourself with your breath and
believe in the love that courses through your veins
rather than the tar black voices that mock your efforts?

Why not let the butterflies cocooned in the back of your throat awake
to carry your hopeful voice
like a bell peeling brightly in the warm morning air?

Why not live?