Clean up

It didn't take me more than a day to understand that my problems are like math. They all have a solution. Only I need to relax and get to the root of it from all kinds of branches. These problems are harmless obstacles that can be overcome.
I mean, what about people who have been diagnosed with cancer but don’t have the resources to end it? What about people who cannot be blessed with children? Or worse, people who are under painful suffering, in shreds and pieces, still fighting for life in Palestine… what about several millions of people like that? Many of them didn't deserve to be where they are… But have then given up? They're still fighting for life. They're fighting, not for a healthy, wealthy or happy life. They're fighting for just life. Life, which in all, is everything.
Why can we not learn from their struggles? When did we start talking more about humanity and becoming less of humane... Breathe any air... drink any water... sleep anywhere- nothing's dirty.. it's our hearts that've become dirty. Find your clutter and work on it.

Today's Intention: Making peace for myself: it's my choice.

When you enter a place filled with tension, or are in need
of some calm loving energy in a hurry, imagine the color
pink, the color of unconditional love. Take a few deep
breaths and imagine your heart filling up with the color
pink. When a feeling of tranquility permeates your chest,
imagine that the color flows out from your heart and fills
the entire room. Feel a sense of peace saturate you and
those around you.

There's a thousand reasons

We all question, but in different ways, for example, people question your play with words, :), people question their God or whoever it is they believe in all the time, people question a million and one things....

My only concern... the questioning is negative, only when you are depressed, confused, unhappy - and so you achieve nothing out of it.

Amusingly, everyone needs something to believe in for their survival yet if they question, if they reason, it shakes their faith ... so we get used to sitting in our comfort zones and saying things happen for a reason... There is no reason if you can't identify it. :)

There is no blind faith without miracles and miracles are God's way of saying question it ... your life, your success, your dreams, your aspirations ... everything is for a reason.

Passion

In the time I took of from my blog, I successfully rooted on little desires that would dawn on my way home in the car or big desires, like- standing up for the right things and following through. Now logic says it starts with little steps. That's what I thought too, until I tried this:

No, not taking pictures silly.

1.) Spend some time along learning to be your own best buddy. Imagine the kind of friend(s) you are looking for and -- if you can be this kind of playful -- spend just a little time every day having tea with your imaginary playmates. This will help you to recognize the shape of your own new and powerful personal geometry and solidify it so you're not stuck acting out old pattern in a new situation.

2.) Along with your new (imaginary) friends, explore in safe and quiet ways. What alone things do you find you enjoy? Books, Movies, Art, Favorite TV shows, clothes, drama...independent of other people, what are your passions that you have misplaced or forgotten. In these you may find "everyday archetypes" in characters or actors or heros that already carry the new parts of yourself that you haven't found yet.

3.) When you know your passions and they are enough present in your life they will help you get going -- whatever it is, let it draw you on. If it's animals, you might volunteer and meet other people with the same passion. If it's Jane Austin, then rather than just any book club, looking for buddies, look for Jane Austin fellows. Remember that there are internet groups on ANYTHING.

4.) The funny thing is that when you find your real new "shape" = and can wear it, rain or shine, you'll just discover that you're in the midst of a whole new dynamic group . . . some people find to their astonishment that the new friends are their old friends who were just waiting for someone to lead them to newness.

The desire to embrace

I am all of this

How about you?
I am the itch and the scratch
the ache and the achievement
the choking rage and the "I see your point"

the desire to make a difference and
the desire to put my head under the covers
the love in his eyes and the longing in mine

When did we ever learn that we have to put down what's in one hand to
embrace what's in the other?

Now is the time to hold it all,
hold the fullness and
drop the struggle.

We are all of this. And more.

Only Human

So I question my awareness again. How do we love?... we imperfect, selfish humans. We're so bad with acceptance and forgiveness. We're horrible with asking for acceptance and forgiveness, honestly.
It's not that we don't have time to love. We don't want to love anybody else except ourselves. That, in itself is self destruction.
And it all comes down to 'truth is nothing but what we believe to be'.

Try: (v) to attempt to do or accomplish:

I may be ready to forgive myself for being forgetful. I may be ready to find the sweet spot where ease and self-mercy meet being awake and aware. I'm ready to be less comfortable pushing and trying to make things happen and more comfortable slowing down, checking in with my heart and noticing what feels natural and even (gasp) easy. I'm ready to become more comfortable staying awake to what wants to come into being.
Imagine yourself as the space in which trying or doing or efforting is arising. Imagine yourself as the sky, the breeze, the air, the room, the universe in which trying is like a welcome guest--there is plenty of room for trying in this vast spaciousness. Trying can be welcomed and accepted, not pushed away or judged.

In my Shoes

Ok, first of, many many congratulations for passing these 3 exams with excellent numbers. How did I celebrate? I went fox flying and quad biking! :D It's amazing how I am devastated one day and crazy happy the next. There were so many turned backs; the teacher backing out, mum going paranoid, careless siblings, helpless friends. And lets not forget the more frequent 12 hour power cuts, when I would immediately revert my senses to the candle-book scenario.
Point is, it all didn't matter every time I was determined. Because when we are determined, we're thinking clearly, with mind and heart. We prioritize correctly and know what is relevant and what isn't... We know when the time is right to feel something and when the time is right to let it touch us. I never knew I could filter pain and turn negative into positive in such a smooth stride. So why do we never trust ourselves, our instincts, our own perceptions?
Life is beautiful. It has always been. I just never stopped to notice. And I just started all over again. It's different and fresh. I'm beginning to discover so much about myself and my environment. And it doesn't tire me because I find myself waking up, my heart overflowing with love.
Trust yourself, be generous to yourself, spend a night stargazing and make someone smile. Take my word, you'll love your life, no matter how miserable they try to make it.

Self-Mercy

As I focus the lens of my new life, I'm aware it's time to choose to be more reflective, more empathetic, more strong to support what's emerging.
I could get all twittered-patted and embarrassed by my current habits--checking email instead of doing something productive, welcoming an interruption when I've only been studying for the past 2.99 minutes. It's not like any of these habits are new...

But here is why I'm not going to tie myself into a self-flagellating knot: the knot that self-flagellates is the knot that stays stuck. Guaranteed. Want to create a life that rides up like bad underwear? Then be sure and tell yourself things like, "Why can't you ever stop drinking tea, you lazy loser? Why can't you stop to alter some of the clothes you have been neglecting because they were a bad fit? You'll never change. How about having that cheese spaghetti from last night? That was a really great idea--not."

How about some self-mercy, yo? Without it, it's like being caught in a washing machine made in hell. You beat yourself up for what you are doing--or not doing. This makes you feel abysmal, which makes you want to check out, and that means you keep doing what you're doing and you don't pay attention to what it's costing you--round and round you go. You can also choose to flee into the dirty clothes basket of shadow comforts to try and hide the pain of being harsh toward yourself, which only adds another layer of soul grunge to the whole nasty mess.

Here's an idea: let's just not indulge. What a waste of time and you know, we don't have any to waste. Drop the thought that you should or shouldn't be doing this or that and instead ask yourself:

• Sweetie, honey baby, what one habit would feel really delightful this week?
• What one habit or practice or choice would feel as supportive as a personal chef, assistant, and massage therapist all rolled into one?
• What do I want to do to support myself?

Focus on what feels good. Put your energy toward feeling supported and upheld instead of taking another whiplash turn on the bad child merry-go-round. Make a choice lit up with self-mercy and then see what happens.

May our hearts be touched and transformed as we let life love us

"When we are open and present, our hearts are affected and transformed by our experiences. Indeed, every time we allow ourselves to be truly touched by life, we are changed in profound ways. And ultimately, is not this the aim of all creative self-expression--to touch and transform the human heart?"- The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson

The Magic-Pause Button

Why not resurrect yourself with your breath and
believe in the love that courses through your veins
rather than the tar black voices that mock your efforts?

Why not let the butterflies cocooned in the back of your throat awake
to carry your hopeful voice
like a bell peeling brightly in the warm morning air?

Why not live?

In Spirit and with Courage

I'm coming off a month old study retreat and I'm terrified. I feel like I've forgotten to be kind and I feel like I've forgotten how to create. I did the hard, necessary work of burning away everything that didn't fit me any longer and now I'm fetter less and free- which means I'm fetter less and free. Oh shit!
I know my terror and sense of free floating angst is a natural part of my transition and that nothing is wrong. I know I can start slowly with small blocks of creative play, as little as ten minutes. I know to let myself moodle with paints and words until something small emerges, and to tend that with love and non-judgment... And you know what else I know? I want to be rescued.
I want to have a lightening bolt of assurance land in my head from the clouds... assurance that everything will turn out to be OK. That there is a thing called perfect husband and there is another thing called perfect job and all I would need to do is try hard since the time I wake up every morning and leave it all to Allah just before I fall asleep every night.
It's so easy to overlook great people around you. People who have a mound of problems and people who are desperate, and yet kind. People who create, who inspire; who make you want to love life. I need one of those few people to remind me again. I need to be reassured again.
Only I wouldn't listen. Because when we have vanquished the many demons that stood between us and our renewed life, when we feel almost home free, the mother of all demons pops up: the someone-would-tell-me-what-to-do demon. The just-give-me-direction-and-make-me-safe-demon. The I'll-do-anything-just-so-I-don't-have-to-hang-out-in-the-not-knowing-anymore-demon. If you, like me, would also like to be friends with the last demon try one of these ideas:

• Use any and all means to turn within and listen to your own desires, your own wisdom, your own ideas.
• Pour over your journals and look for clues to what you want.
• Pray for guidance.
• Ask yourself many times a day, "What would I love to do next?" Gently stop yourself every time you go to watch TV, buy a new book, paint, or ask a friend what you should do- even if it's as small as what to wear to class.
  

Assignment #23

Recreating a snapshot:

So what makes you happy?

Good weather, good music, a relaxed prayer, honest acknowledgement... for me.

What makes you happy? Waiting for your replies :)

Little desires

I think the greatest thing about me is the fact that despite all the pain that I've had to push myself to go through (since the age of 12), I still go out and involuntarily, love life.
I find myself getting excited about redecorating this vase with dried flowers that I can create by myself! And then using the current dried flowers to make a potpouri. I get excited (and jump all around the kitchen) when I learn one of my neighbour's has spent a fortune on her hair dresser's course because I'd love to learn better ways of grooming myself from her. And I'm actually looking forward to meeting her and talking to her about it. I want to learn how to better style my hair and how I can line my eyes perfectly.
But getting excited isn't what's great. Who knows... the hair dresser could think I'm a weirdo! Being practical is important but having faith is too. It's the consistency with which I follow my little desires that makes me great.
The fulfillment of these desires make up just a small portion of the painting that I am in but what's a painting without colour? These little desires (even when I barely get time out for myself) make me want to discover my surroundings, my life, even myself from a newer angle. And I like to think right now, that following little desires will get me to my biggest dream. Even when I vaguely know what that might be.

Four Great Ways Of Looking

1. Look back and thank Allah
2. Look forward and trust Allah
3. Look around and believe in Allah
4. Look within yourself... and find Allah
   

Deserving

As jobless as I am, I was flipping between channels when I came across a movie, I used to think of as one of those overtly Indian dreamy love stories that only take place on Jupiter.

Tum Bin

I believe the movie did not receive the attention it deserved due to the lead roles being newcomers. But film fanatics think otherwise because Tum Bin was nominated for 6 awards in 2001.
Shekhar, a businessman, accidentally kills his associate Amar, and ridden with guilt, decides to watch over Amar's company and take care of his family and friends. However, he falls in love with Amar's ex fiancée Piya - who is to marry tycoon Abhi Gyan to save the company...

The movie dictates how different phases in a person's life can not only affect them, but the people related to them too. It strongly teaches about how doing the right things work for you. And how the heart and the mind, both should be used in the matters of family and career.

Tag line? Love will find a way

Ten Guidelines from Allah

So my friend Shy Soul has posted something I had to use on my webpage too. Although very simple to think, I hardly follow the guidelines and I concluded, these were just too useful. I woke up extremely depressed and tired this morning and I pray that Allah fills all our hearts with His love.

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say, 'Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here .' Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them Just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget.......

How to find happiness from within

Look forward to something
Grow old, don't grow up!
Being in it to avoid dieing, an audience (stop watching TV)
Give and Give: in the right places, on the right times, to everyone around
Forgive and forget
Smile and say Alhumdolilah

Learning to love myself more

So, I've been trying to urge myself to move my lazy bum and fix my camera. Why? So I can mess around with it and upload my utterly brilliant ideas on this very page. For one, imagine having a photo with sounds attached to it. I know, I know... we got video capture for that. But it'd still be different. A still picture could come to life when viewed with sound attached. And this just means looking at your room, but from another angle like from the top of a wall fan.
There is so much to do. So much to feel. And thats just the thing that's keeping me from studying. Haha. Though what's really broken my heart is the fact that my mum broke my spanish, acoustic, oakwood guitar!!!! It was worth Dhs.300. I got it for my 16th birthday. And now its gone! Gone gone gone!! Apparently she was pulling this suitcase from beneath my bed and my poor guitar was standing on the side, when the sides of the tyrant suitcase hit it and it collapsed with a thud. The head broke from the finger board so I'm not even sure if we can fix that. But she felt it a lot more than I did. And she was in tears. So I told her not to be silly since its just a guitar that I play like twice or thrice in a whole year. Heheh
And why am I still writing when I have to go pray and study later. Actually, I'm so not studying today! I'm tired. I need a break from The Break. You know what I mean?! I'm going to paint shadows today. Or I could just stop procrastinating fixing my camera and become productive! Hope I keep my hands off the TV. =D

I love...

There may be a million things that I'm in love with but to name a few:

Mumma: The most giving woman I've ever seen
Water: As in waterfalls, lakes, rivers, rains, beaches, the ocean, hot water baths... the list goes on.
Chocolate & caramel: In almost any edible form
Landscapes of Switzerland: I guess that came from an overdose of yashraj films
My atmosphere: Fresh breezes of wind, clouds, dusk, sunshine, rainbows, storms, rains and its after effects... Just the thought of it is making me feel alive =)
My home: In here i find love, laughter, comfort, peace and tranquility (They're fighting again!)
Music, dancing & singing: I've no idea why
Myself: I'm finally accepting it; If i don't love myself from time to time, I wouldn't be able to love anything else with all my being.